Forgiveness - A key to the Kingdom

Yesterday I went to an evening church service, where God revealed something to me powerfully during worship. I don't know if it's something everyone knows that I just didn't get and then a light bulb went on...but I've just never thought about it before.

So we are on earth, but our home is heaven. Our job is to bring heaven to earth; we are ambassadors of Christ. Bringing heaven to earth.

To do this we are to be heavenly-minded, act as we were in heaven, because we are [seated in heavenly places], and be in deep relationship with our Lord. And as we keep in deep relationship with Him, He will bring heaven into our lives by taking out the things that aren't of Him; that aren't of heaven.

When Jesus died on the cross, He bore all our sin. When we accepted Him into our lives as our Savior and asked forgiveness of our sins, He forgave it all and it was as if it was never done. WHY? Because it is so intricately weaved in His awesome plan - on earth as it is in heaven. In heaven we would not have sinned because there is no sin in heaven. However, we're on earth, so we did. But since we are seated in heavenly places because we are now His children when we accepted Him as Father, He FORGAVE so that it was like it had never been done because it hasn't in heaven. This is part of bringing heaven to earth.

Normally when I think about bringing heaven to earth, I think about healing, angels, all the cool big flashy stuff. However it can be the most humble things that make the whole thing work. Forgiveness is part of that. Forgiveness isn't an option. Jesus stated that very clearly in the Bible. Forgiveness is our job in bringing heaven to earth, because in heaven, it hadn't been done, and even if it was on earth, we aren't living by earthly standards - we are living as if we were in heaven. So that is the reason of forgiveness - acting like we are in heaven and in so bringing heaven to earth.

I'm sorry if all this babble has been confusing but it makes so much sense to me. I never thought about this that way before...and I have more to add.

If you haven't noticed - having a grudge on someone is not healthy. It wears you down so much. It tears away at unity and destroys households. But in heaven, there is unity. Unforgiveness is not unity. Forgiveness is. Isn't God so awesome???!!!

A new day

Last entry I ended with, "...I want to go back. Yet I have to move forward"It's been like that for me. I don't know of any biblical basis that it can stand on, but it's always been...I'm not going back...I'm going forward. It is a new day.

It IS a new day. Yesterday is gone, erased. No man can bring it back. I don't need to chase what I can no longer hold. It is a new day. The old is gone, the new is here. That truth is entangled so deep into my life. I'm not bound to my old life. My old ways, thoughts and actions. They're gone. Forever. Yes, it is a new day.

Moving on, learning deep

Like I said in my other journal entry a week ago, about my summer, it has not been what I'd expected. I learned valuable things that I need to keep me going. Last year at this time, I was all into, "I want to see angels, I want to have visions, I want to see open heavens over my life, I want this, I want that, let's get into the GLORY!!!"

But as the year turned into 2006, and things started rolling into June, I learned that it is so much more than that. Yes, I do want all that stuff...it's what I am created for. It's where I'll live. It's what I'm living.This summer was hard. It was hard. I can't say that enough. I struggled. But I learned. When my summer 'ended' with the Belarusians leaving, I was at the lowest point. I didn't see how I could go and minister to kids at camp. I didn't know how to go any further. I didn't know what God was doing at all. I thought I had failed.
But then I started reading this book, which I had thought about reading for a long time. It was 'The Final Quest' by Rick Joyner. In it was much about the mantle of humility, suffering, and pride. Through that book, God showed me what was going on in my life. It's at the place where you're hurting the most and have lost all dependence in your ability to work things out in your life that God takes away your pride and gives you the mantle of humility. It happened to me. I was in this beautiful place of humility for several days. Sometime during the first few days of camp, I lost it. And I will now do anything to get back into that place. Nothing else is worth it. It was such a new and wonderful revelation of a different piece of God. And I need more of it. I had to suffer to get there. And I want to go back. Yet I have to move forward.

Middle school camp - Back to the church

We left the lake around four on Wednesday. It was not the best of days for me. I think that I reached my peak of tiredness that day. At the lake I got quite frustrated with the girls paddle boating but not knowing how to. I was in charge of paddleboats, making sure they gave their tickets to the ticket person, making sure they had lifejackets on etc...and most of them claimed they knew how to paddleboat. I got unreasonably mad sending out people to rescue them, and I think I should have apologized to them, but instead I went kayaking for a break. So Jonathon then asks me to lead the kayak group cause he was tired. I didn't tell him until afterwards that I had only been kayaking once before and that was last year. But it turns out we were both in the same boat since he had been asked to lead it and he hadn't kayaked since last year either. It all worked out fine though because most of them listened to me, and I didn't tip over. Anyhow, that's not back at the church so I'll get there.

Worship back at the church was incredible. At the campgrounds, most kids just had their hands in their pockets, nobody raised them; it didn't look very impacting from where I was (up front singing). I don't know of course. I heard many stories of what was going on that I just didn't get to see or hear cause I was either playing keyboard or singing. I don't know why that made so much of a difference, but it did. Anyways, so at the church, I saw kids raising their hands, crying, and it was just powerful. In fact, the girls in my cabin and I had had a conversation about raising hands and stuff, and I saw myself in them with what they said. I told them, "you know, I used to be in the same place as you. Exactly. I used to be embarrassed about it, feeling like everyone was looking at me. I relate to you guys." But it all changed at highschool camp 05 when I experienced God. Then it's just like I don't care anymore if my heart is right.

I played a lot of the wrong chords and stuff...I think my keyboarding stank...for one thing, I could barely hear what I was playing! But like I said, worship was powerful, and it's a good thing that God doesn't move based on the quality of the music.

Thursday, the day before they left, was the most memorable day. First of all, we woke the campers up at six in the morning. They had no clue what was going on at all...it was SO funny! All us jr. leaders got up and showered at 5:30, and then we stood out in the gym while the night watch lady rang a siren and said, "Good morning campers! It is now six in the morning. You have fifteen minutes to get your shoes on and get on the bus." We got to go around and get everybody out of bed, and later on the bus, we learned that one boys cabin had stayed up until five, so they had only an hour to sleep. Too bad for them! We went to the beach and had chapel there. It was the first of many surprises that day.

The next big big big surprise was that afternoon. After lunch, the kids were sent outside to go in the mud pit and throw rotten food at the cabin leaders. We got really 'mean' and wouldn't let them in...because we were cooking like mad and setting up the gym for a fancy several course dinner. It was very nice, and we were going to get them hosed off from the mud pit, and then line up outside the door. It was very spiritually significant as they were led in, wet, cold, and muddy. They were set down at each table according to cabins, and their leaders washed their feet. Then we all served them food and it was just wonderful. Although I wore holes in my shoes going back and forth, and I ended up talking to some girls at one table as I was pouring a drink...which didn't work, cause it overflowed and spilled everywhere. But it was all good.

That night we went to bed very, very late, and we were so tired that some of us leaders had a food fight. Angelina started it by smearing chocolate on everybody's faces. I ended up with chocolate and jello all over my face. Jonathon was laughing so hard that he fell on the floor, and in the morning his boys said he had laughed himself to sleep. Good times. Being stupid with everyone and not caring.

So on Friday I came home. I was so tired that I fell asleep watching the camp dvd. I went to bed at nine and didn't get out of bed until 10. I woke up at like 7:30 though and went back to sleep for maybe an hour.

Anyhow so we have a new calf now that won't let itself get caught and I had to help catch it last night and we couldn't, and then I got sick. It was an interesting ending to the week. I can't believe that it has been a week since Oksana and Zhenya left America. It seems like forever ago now.

Well I feel like I'm ending this journal entry really weird but I've got another one to write about something else.

Middle school camp - Lake days

Sunday I woke up thoroughly tired but excited and ready to start the day. On Saturday morning at 1:30 I cried myself to sleep after dropping the Belarusians off at their ride to the airport at 12:30. So that explains the tiredness.

On the way to the lake, we stopped by the fair to drop off pictures. All the art people were terribly excited to have my work and surprisingly remembered me from last year and told me to join the art league when I get older and blah blah blah...we finally got my pictures entered.When we entered my photos, the guy taking them in asked if I was going to the fair and I told him, no, I didn't want to. (There went my blunt stupidity again and I'm afraid I now appear stuck-up)

We got to the lake and had to set up many, many tents, even though only 32 kids came. I had never set up tents before, so I don't think that I was much of a help. Then we did a bunch of other work, and after dinner, we sat around the campfire and talked about our testimonies. It was very cool to see where everyone came from and stuff.

The next day, we got up early in the morning and set off to go to the church, where the kids would be arriving at 2. I was squashed in the back of Lauren's car with Cassius and Nate the video guy, and that seemed like a very long drive.

We had a prayer time after setting up at the church. I prayed over the youth room where we would have chapel, and then I wandered around the grounds. I laid down on the ground and was thinking about the registrations I had counted the day before. Suddenly God started talking to me about this kid who's name I had seen on a registration card. I'll call him Anonymous. So He started telling me about 'Anonymous' and telling me that He wanted to touch this kid's life this week and more. The God told me to pray for him, which I did. Then I forgot about the whole thing. The kids started coming in, and I went to play some tag game with the kids while we were waiting for everybody to register. After a while, I went back to get some water and I saw two boys standing together. I noticed one of them looked sort of lost...did not know God well...but didn't put two and two together. When everyone was assigned to cabins, I found out that this kid was indeed Anonymous. I then started praying for the kid like mad. We loaded on the bus and then as I'm on the bus, I saw this one girl and God told me a certain gift she had. I shared it with her on Thursday and prayed with her that God would release it more into her life.Later on Tuesday, I told Anonymous's cabin leader about what God had shown me about this kid. He agreed about it. I don't know what happened in Anonymous's life this week, but I do know that he was covered in prayer daily by several different people.

I found it quite amazing what God would tell me if I just listened. He told me more in the beginning of the week, and I know that I went with something God graced me with, but I feel I lost it somewhat during the week. Still, it was just beautiful what God did during the lake days.

An Unexpected Summer

Tomorrow evening at 12:00, my Belarusian friends will be leaving us for another year. My life is about to change dramatically once again.

Six weeks ago, I had great expectations for the summer. It turned out much different than I had expected. Sad? Yes. Life-changing? In good and bad ways. But for the good? You can count on it.

A few days ago, I wrote in my journal,

"I thought I would spend the summer defeating compromise and setting higher standards in my life. Instead, I spent the summer succumbing to compromise and struggling to meet the standards I have now.I thought I would work on songwriting this summer. Instead I found myself spending days in apathy, staring at moving pictures on a TV screen.I thought I would spend the summer growing deeper in my relationship with God, spending even more time than I had been with Him. Instead, I spent less time with Him because I gave way to other 'priorities' in my life.I thought I'd grow deeper in faith and see more miracles happen through me. Instead, I missed many chances God gave me to touch a life.I thought I would spend the summer in joy and peace in God, knowing who I am in Him. Instead, He broke me, taught me of suffering, and removed all confidence and pride in myself."

Though it seems like life has been a mess the whole summer, and like I have fallen back and away, it all works for good. In human standards, this seems like a complete failure. It is. But nobody can see what God is making me. Only He can. So therefore, I am trusting Him. Dependance is the only key. Is it hard being transparant? Yes. But I'm lying if I write anything else.

Faliure

I wish I didn't fail so much. I want to do what I should but I don't because I'm scared to. Scared to do what? Scared to make a difference.

Today I was shopping. With my mom. We spent like an hour in Big Lots. It was much too long. But anyways, I was watching people go around the store. And I was thinking negative thoughts about those people. I was not being spiritual at the moment, ok! Finally I came to my senses and realized what I was doing, and I thought, "Ok. This is not good. This is not who I want to be. This is not what I want to do. God loves these people. So I'll change my mind right now and ask God what He's thinking." Immediately (as usual) this limping lady walked into the store. It was like a movie moment...sort of slow motion...you realize that the character is getting the point...you get it. Part of me wanted to laugh at what God did, but most of me groaned inside. I knew that God wanted me to go over and pray for her. But I didn't. How many times will I have this same story happen until I finally stop being stupid and being scared to be the one to make a difference in somebody's life? We talk about changing the world, but in reality, it starts with one life at a time.

Emptiness and loneliness aren't always bad

"You know there's more than empty conversations filled with empty words" ~ SWITCHFOOT
I don't know about you...but I get tired of talking to my friends sometimes. I love my friends dearly. They build me up a lot in Christ. However...there's just some times I wish I could have a week...alone. Just me and God. And whatever spider happens to be three feet away from me. I enjoy one-on-one conversations with my friends. Then we can get deep. But most of the time, it seems like...it's all shallow. Nothing important is said. Gossip is shared. Things I didn't want to hear were told. What if we all just stopped talking about things that we'll forget about a moment later? That never were important, and never will be? What if we listened to what God was saying to us instead of the latest 'who-likes-who' gossip going around...and then were able to give our friends the most edifying conversation...a word from God? (Isaiah 50:4) What if we used our time for reconciliation instead of put-downs? Why doesn't somebody just DO something? But if something has to change, it has to start with me. And you.

Click for lyrics to one of Mainstay's songs

And see what Mainstay has to say about it

Last year I went to a youth group retreat. I came away from it feeling emptier than when I went...and I'm not sure why. But all I know is that I cannot be satisfied by my friends. For some people, that's all they have. That's their life. That's all they live for. They might even be Christians. But there's so much more. I can be having a blast with my friends somewhere...but suddenly I'll think deeply for a minute...and randomly say...oh I want to worship right now. Without worshipping Him, without spending time with Him, it wears me down. I know it from experience - especially this summer, with guests for six weeks and no privacy. I feel sort of out of sync with things in God right now. I know I'm not doing the best I can, but I know that I've got Him to hold onto.

Cultural Differences 2

Today founded the discovery of yet another cultural difference - between Belarus and America. Zhenya's brother, Vadim, (see photo above) has a birthday coming up soon, and his host family wanted to celebrate it before they went back to Belarus. So we get a call inviting Zhenya along. My mom went out and bought a card because the boys were at another birthday party, and they were home when we came back. We all signed the card, and then my mom said,
"Zhenya! Now you need to write Vadim's name on it and seal it!" Zhenya wrote Vadim's name...but didn't seal it. He sort of just stood there and muttered in Russian. Finally I told him to seal it...or as I said it in my poor Russian grammar - "It needs to be wet!"
He claimed he didn't know how, and we thought he was joking - and thus we all stood there a while. Finally I realized he truly didn't know what to do, so I handed it to my mom and told him to watch carefully. She licked it, sealed it, and handed it back to him. He looked SO surprised! I'm serious, he did not know how to do it! Later Oksana told me that they just have to pull a piece of tape off of the envelope. I understand that we have them here, but we mostly 'lick'n'seal'...right? hjum (that was Oksana messing around on the keyboard) Anyhow that was just ghybjki another cultural difference that I discovered.

Cultural Differences

Well, the Clallam County Fair is coming up really soon, so I am frantically working on pictures, getting the matted and framed, and in the meantime I need to finish sewing a jacket that I ripped and bleached, and repaint a little over my fire t-shirt, and get my mom to take me shopping for frames. But I'm so tired of shopping! On Tuesday, my mom took Oksana, Baby and I shopping for Oksana's birthday, and we were in Ross for about two or three hours! Oksana just didn't get it...the Americans pile tons of clothes on their arms, take them to the dressing room, and pick out maybe two or three items to buy out of the twenty they tried on. So it was my job to introduce her to the American way of shopping. As she failed to pile everything but the perfect capris she wanted...or whatever...I pulled out five more and made her try them on! In truth, I had never noticed the way we all shop before...but having her just pick out what she wanted to try on (and what if it didn't fit???) sure made me notice. Meanwhile...she just thinks me and all other Americans are just crazy...hmm...maybe rightly so.

How to temporarily change your nationality without complications

One of the most interesting things about having the ability to fake all my fellow American people into thinking that I can speak fluent Russian, and having somebody to talk to on top of that, is that I can go around stores...camp...or anywhere, and I can just fake that I'm Russian...just change my nationality temporarily in people's minds. See, people who don't speak it are so gullible. But the Russians really really really can tell I'm American. If you asked them (and me too) I have THE WORST grammar in the whole world. I can talk fast and lots...to fake out American people...and I can communicate pretty well...but one of the sad things is that my grammar just plain stinks. Still...it's pretty fun faking that I'm Russian.
Also, faking I'm Russian is very useful when I somehow don't hear a lady behind me say 'excuse me' and I am suddenly yanked away by my mom...talking in Russian the whole time.